I was digging through my closet yesterday looking for something to wear to the movies. That's when it really dawned on me. Nothing fits. Every pair of jeans I have hanging in my closet are either too tight to get buttoned, or, if I do manage to get them buttoned, are so ungodly uncomfortable that I end up quickly unbuttoning them and sitting on the bed with a sick feeling in my stomach.
In the very back of my closet hangs a pair of jeans I have had for several years now. I'm talking about that pair of jeans that you put on and strut wherever you go because you know that you look great in them. These are my go-to jeans, the ones I would wash every night if I had to so I could wear them everyday. They have been hanging there, unworn, for months. I can't fit into them. My right thigh can't even think about fitting into them. I can barely pull them past my knees. What has happened to me?
You might wonder why I would choose to blog about something so personal and shameful. Really, I think it will be cathartic for me even if no one ever reads it. Obviously, the world knows I struggle with this. Why not be open about it? It's no secret that most of my family struggles with their weight. You could blame it on genetics, poor food choices, or complete lack of physical activity. If I had to guess, I would say it's a bit of all three. But, if I were to "blame" my current condition on anything other than my bad habits, I would be misguided in my blame. Placing blame won't make those jeans magically fit and it won't make that absurd number on the scale that I will never mention publicly go down. It really comes down to a decision to fix it... to fix me.
As I get older, it really has become much less about vanity and very much about health and convenience. I am incredibly unhealthy. I have extremely high LDL cholesterol (despite rarely eating anything fried), very low HDL cholesterol, sky-high triglycerides, and pre-diabetic blood sugar levels. I know there are a lot of technical medical terms in there, but, according to my doc, it all adds up to certain heart disease and diabetes. Being a "plus-size" person is very inconvenient. In absolutely every sense of the word. Anyone who struggles with weight will know exactly what I mean by that. I would love to have the convenience of being average. Not supermodel material.. just normal. Healthy.
So, today I began trying to steer myself back on track. Not in a drastic or careless way, but in a sensible, do-able one. It's not the first time I have done this. Not even the second or the third time. But, I know that despite my past failures and shortcomings, this is something that must be done. My hope is that I succeed this time.
So, there you have it. I might fail for all to see. But, then again, I might succeed. I have a caring, supportive, and understanding man whom I'm proud to call my husband and best friend helping me. I have wonderful family and friends who (for some inexplicable reason) love me regardless of my jean size. What do I have to lose? (Other than the obvious of course!) I keep telling myself that every journey begins with a single step. Today was that step for me. Here's to hoping every step gets a bit easier than the last.